I. Am. Not. Happy. Notice how I wanted to make this clear. I am not. I feel like this huge regret is on me that I’m constantly battling with God for a resolve.
Where does one start. I’ll be bouncing all over the place so if you’ve made it this far,hold on and be patient.
It all started about 6 years ago. The greatest change of my life happened. I became sober. Also the worst one coincided with my new found lease on life. I became sober. One doesn’t realize the beauty of life until he truly cleanses his mind and clears his blurry vision.I slowly started to become distant.I became distant from myself mainly as I slipped deeper into this world of mine which I believe all the drugs and alcohol were masking.My tolerance for the world became lesser as the days became greater. Simple daily activities brought upon anger. I started reading inspirational books and listening to positive podcasts even downloading these apps that feed your brain with the motivational messages that we crave. It worked. Hey,it still works. The only issue is that it wears off fast.
So to recap,I am not happy in my life situation and I constantly feed my mind positive messages. So to describe this better it’s like a boiling pot of oil is being sprinkled with ice pellets. Picture that and you are able to see inside my head.
We moved to the country 45 mins away from our place of work and family. We do have a city with all amnesties about 25 mins away.
I can’t seem to wrap my head around this decision we made and I feel like It was a unplanned move that I will pay for now and near future.
My mind is constantly racing and overthinking the simplest of thoughts while reducing the urgency of the more pressing ones. All I want to do is lift weights and read but my thoughts are all over the place so I end up with half assed workouts and books that take twice as long to finish.
I dream of running away in life and starting over only to realize maybe this move to the country was that and it only made it worse. I am not terrified. Anymore. I just lost care. I often catch myself driving in a haze and would not be at all shocked if I got entangled in a multiple vehicle collision. I can’t rest. I can’t think properly.
Most days I function because of the routines that I have placed in my life. I force smile throughout the day which I have to admit,helps. I can engage in fantastic conversations and the next time,nothing. Am I bipolar?i shit you not that questions gets asked in my head all the time. Answer is,I don’t know.
I still wake up every morning with all the intention on having a spectacular day. Usually within 2-3 hours I feel down and confused. I push on through however and pray for the best.
Now as winter is approaching,the situation reaches heights of massive proportions. I mean all out days of overthinking. Financial worries. Relationship issues. Life goals. It is not pretty in the head.
I often want to get out there and make connections but I don’t. Not sure why. I am not a procrastinator but any means but I believe due to feeling isolated I have lost my ability and strength to muster up a conversation.
I will end it here for now,believe me this took weeks and a tremendous amount of edits to just get it out there.