As I’m typing away here,listen to some jazz hop/trip hop or whatever you call it I can’t help and reminisce about the older days.I understand that a lot of readers don’t believe in reminiscing,but I do.It has nothing to do with holding on to the past,not living in the moment,it has to do with putting a fucking happy thought in my head that will eventually crack a smile.It has to do with being surrounded by friends in a school yard setting,running around throwing soccer balls,playing bulldog or just joking around.These are the memories I go back to,and in the more so than not moment creates a panic attack.Why would some of my cherished memories of liberty give me one of the worst gut and mental feelings out there?Why does it have to be a constant reminder of things not working out or going as planned?going as planned!Now that is the biggest bullshit lie I have heard of.You want going as planned,grow up,live and die.That is planned.For most at least.Lately however,my cherished moments of a young rebellious teen has led to more attacks than I would wish upon my enemies. I don’t succumb to tears,I rarely ever do,not a big fan of crying.Maybe it’s some macho bullshit or it’s the fact that there really isn’t anything worthy of tears in dreams and memories.I still would love to understand why hanging out with a bunch of my friends,classmates would create an undesirable effect.
So of course I dive deeper in this and ask myself one question,are you happy now versus to a time of freedom and circumstances with no recourse?am I joyfully living my days now as I was when I was a carefree student?Truth is,I don’t fucking know.I DON’T KNOW.Sue me,hate me,push me and I will still not know the answer.I have had hundreds of fantastic memory creating events that I will cherish,but for the strange reason I don’t ever go back to those memories.Does it mean that they are less important to me?Even when I conjure up a glimpse of those times as an adult,I feel nothing.A tiny crack of a smile.whoopdeedo.So I go back in my memory box and shuffle thru a handful of memories,pick one out and relive it in my head.Oh crap,it went the opposite way,panic attack replaces the smile I was seeking.Now I have to deal with this moment for about 15-20 minutes or until some fantastic memory pops in.They never do.I usually see the same event in my head.Bare with me as I try to explain this.
We are about 10-11 years old,a good dozen of us divided pretty much equally into boys and girls.Great friends.We are hanging by the train track fence which lines our elementary schools yard.As always,it’s sunny and warm.Feels like it’s the end of the school year warm and we are all smiling.Give me a second,another attack seems to be taking over as I try to describe this.It’s funny that opening up the zipper on my sweater seems to alleviate some of the pressure.back to my story.I keep seeing all their faces in detail and it’s a picture perfect moment.Seems plain to most,but I know deep down that a lot of you are resonating with a very similar situation.Call me what you will,but the truth is there.I don’t run from my feelings,I do try and bury most of them as they do not align with who I want to be.I want to be happy.I want to experience the joy of my youth as an adult,but seem to be missing a few ingredients.
Sometimes I just want to runaway into a new city,start fresh,yet I don’t even know my city and it does not know me.So what am running away from?my thoughts?good luck buddy,we are never leaving you.So far I have not found a solution to enjoy my past without experiencing some attack,but I still do not want to let them go.Memories make us stronger in all forms,it also cripples us momentarily.I guess you need the rain to enjoy the sun.
-I know we are younger in the photo than my memories explain,the fact is we didn’t have cameras with us at school.So this will do.