SOBRIETY AND THAT LOST FEELING

 

For nearly my whole adolescent,young adult and adult life I enjoyed drinking.Not on an alcoholic level,just enjoyed drinking beers regularly.As the week had days,I had beers.To top it off,I also smoked cigarettes.This party went on pretty much Monday thru Saturday giving the good old CNS a break on Sunday only to wreck havoc again the following day.Now,it does merit to mention that during all this binging,I would regularly attend my gym sessions and tried to keep a fairly decent diet.By that I mean that I would eat lean meats and fruits,stay as hydrated as I could until I started getting a buzz where it all went out the window and the poutines and pizza party would start.If you are wondering how I felt the next day,your damn right.LIKE SHIT.It never stopped me.Young,dumb and full of life.Or I thought so.You see,when all you do is work a mediocre job,pay your bills,put a little money aside and drink your evening and night away,you really don’t aspire to be much.That was my situation.I couldn’t care less.Future,fuck it.
I remember quite clearly what changed my whole fuck the future attitude.It was during the holidays,right around Christmas.As always I was with my buddies having drinks,playing games and jamming to some hip-hop. Another perfect night.3-4 days later,I wanted to die.I’m talking,straight shoot me please feeling.I caught gastro for the first time.I have been sick before,hurt and so forth,but this gastro thing was what nightmares are made of.I was straight shitting and vomiting for 8 hours straight.This is not an over exaggeration by any means,one hundred percent the truth.After that,it took 3 days to get to be my normal self.So what happened during the 3 days that changed my future completely. What happened that even the slightest smell of tobacco,the mere presence of beers would sicken me to a point of projectiles coming from my mouth.It was the smell I had encountered during my 3 days.As I layed in bed wishing for mercy,praying for this to be over,I kept on smelling the putrid smell of cancer and liver damage to a point that it became my kryptonite. Someone wanted to make sure I clean up my act,and they wanted to make it stick.And to this person,this angel of mine I say THANK YOU.
Yay,I’m sober.Clean,full of life and candy(i got addicted to candy,mainly skittles).I started taking life seriously.My gym sessions went hard as fuck.Finally a purpose to lift,vision of how I should look.Started reading about motivation,future,retirement and all I could aspire to be.The only downside that came with this was that I was alone on the journey.I am not talking about loneliness,I do have a fantastic and supporting wife,I am talking about the support and friendship you receive when you are surrounded by your friends.I got the whole”great job”,”that is great for you” positive reinforcement in passing,but I never got their time.The first year I stayed in hibernation mode just to secure my new found outlook on life.Success.After that time frame,I threw myself back into the limelight only for the bulb to have dimmed out on me.Did it hurt,no.It sucked.Being all new to this world of sobriety,what does one do with his free time.Lucky for me I have a fantastic wife and together we started having excursions,more date nights to numb the loneliness away.It was nice.It was also temporary.I decided to throw myself into my career,find new ventures,anything to keep myself from losing my shit.You have to understand that just because people are happy for you does not mean they accept your new found life to coincide with theirs.It shouldn’t,I get it.Now.
Not once did I regret being sober versus being the life of the party100_0937.No way.I loved myself.I was in a place where I was finally me,just off a tad mentally.This went on for years,and to be honest it still is going on now.But,I am able to deal with it much more appropriately now as I realized that my well being is my concern,not theirs or anyone who comes in contact with me.I still hit bouts of low,feeling uneasy,overthinking,that is when I crank up my gym sessions,watch a good comedy,explore a new artist,read or work on my designs.You can have all your laughs,but facing yourself in the dark all alone and coming out strong,that my friends is what true strength and happiness is.‎

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